You Want to Be Vegan, But Life Gets In The Way. Here's How to Cope With Those Crappy Situations.
The holidays are coming, which means cuter clothes, yummy food and a boatload of BS from your relatives.
While most people get psyched at the chance to cruise the holiday party circuit, you’re having freakin’ heart palpitations just thinking about all the crap you’ll have to deal with – your mom’s remarks about your “strange plant diet,” sitting at your boss's carnivore holiday dinner or trying to pick food for your own parties without everyone in attendance talking shit about your dirty animal-rights-activist habits. Don’t worry, babe. We’ve got you covered for every shitty scenario in the book.
The Shitty Scenario: You’re invited to a holiday dinner where meat is the main act.
We've all been there. How do you politely decline a pork chop without pissing off your mother-in-law or alienating your husband's boss? First of all, remember that it's not always necessary to share the fact that you've got some non-traditional eating habits. If it's Christmas dinner with your family, they probably already know this, but your new neighbors might not need the info. If you suspect that you might be wining and dining with a rack of lamb, make sure to eat some protein beforehand, load up your plate with veggies and side dishes and stash a snack in your purse. If you feel like it's appropriate - and won't insult the hostess - you may also want to volunteer to bring a vegan dish. Problem solved.
The Shitty Scenario: You’re in the cafeteria with thirty minutes to scarf lunch that will keep you going through the 5 p.m. meeting, but you don’t know what creepy shit is lurking in the food.
When faced with a buffet of suspicious-looking mashed potatoes, weird meat options and a quivering gelatinous dessert, your best bet is to identify the three safest-looking dishes and ask what’s in them. While the mashed potatoes may be cooked with chicken broth, the salads and bean dishes are probably safe. But when in doubt, always ask. (Did you know Chili’s cooks their steamed vegetables in butter? Because it doesn’t say so on the menu). If there isn’t a person in sight to answer your questions, here are your must avoids: soup (almost all are made with chicken broth), bread/baked goods (most have eggs) or anything with gravy.
The Shitty Scenario: You’re planning your wedding/birthday party/celebration shin-dig, and you don’t feel comfortable serving dead animals.
You don’t want to come off as preachy to guests, but you sure as hell aren't paying for factory farmed animals on your special day. Luckily for you, even the most traditional catering companies offer vegan options now, and it won’t leave your guests bitching about your uptight ass. If you want to go all-out, companies like Seedling Organic Catering in Los Angeles offer crazy-delish vegan food that will leave your peeps oohing and aahing. Think warm chickpea salads, Tuscan white bean soup, sweet corn, millet and brown rice croquettes topped with jalapeno tofu cream and olive tapenade, and a tart raspberry sorbet for dessert. Hear anyone complaining? Good, we didn’t either.
The Shitty Scenario: You’re starving, have less than ten minutes and all you see around you are coffee shops and convenience stores.
Don’t freak out. You’re in good hands. The café will have a soy latte and some kind of fruit cup or granola bar, minimum. Starbucks has a number of vegan drink options (um, can you say Soy Mocha with no whip?) and their plain and multigrain bagels, granola bars and molasses cookies are all sans animal products. The convenience store, if you really luck out, will have a piece of fruit, pretzels or original flavor Pop Chips. For a real treat on a time crunch, sample 7-11’s vegan options. If you’ve landed your ass in the middle of nowhere, even licorice, Swedish fish and Clif Bars are vegan.
The Shitty Scenario: You’re at a party and a nosy bitch eyes your plate and says, “Oh God – you’re not one of those weird vegan people, are you? Where do you get your protein? And there’s no way you can be getting enough calories. I heard that it’s really unhealthy.”
For starters, don’t even think of going into how healthy your cholesterol levels are or how you’ve got so much ra-ra energy that you don’t know what to do with it. There are a number of diplomatic ways you can handle this, but our favorite? Smile politely, “Yes, I am one of those weird vegan people” and take a long look at her food. Then, if you’ve got the guts, look from her food to her ass. She won’t ask you about protein again.
What are your Bitch Tips for stressful holiday situations?